Where have you gone my dear?

Without going into too much detail and without giving away too much I'm going to tell you all where I have been from Monday to today Thursday. Without cell service, including internet. It was awesome for 98% of the time to disconnect from the world except a few calls home and to my mommy. So here it goes. There's an amazing company called Younique. They sell makeup. Well the have another part to them called the Younique Foundation (not the makeup foundation) and it's for woman who have been sexually abused when they were children. They have a house and cabin in Utah that they rent out 3 weeks a month for women to come and stay. We have all our meals cooked fresh right on sight. And boy can I tell you NOTHING is going to compare to the stuff we ate. We literally ate like royalty. And then we had groups and group activities. And classes we could take. Muay Thai was my favorite and freaking amazing!!!!!! I was having a pretty shitty day and I'll explain why in a minute and it helped get me to have a better attitude. The day before we had a photo shoot. I won't go into detail. But I did not have a good experience with it. I felt completely ugly and just not in a good place. I also struggled HARD with the fact that I wasn't the photographer and I also couldn't see my photos or have control over them. So it was really eating at me. Tuesday night I had to double up on xanax. And Wednesday I was just so drained and exhausted from putting so much negative energy into it. Tuesday night I asked the case manager, "cutie pie" as I called her, to sit and talk to me in private about the whole situation and that helped a lot. She is the sweetest thing ever and I love her freaking face. But we came to the conclusion that I'm a badass!!!!!!! And when we made out art journals that's exactly what I made.

I love it. I don't know where it came from but it appeared on the paper. Group therapy was really hard for me. I can't handle sitting and having everyone's emotions being poured out and I take on their emotions. I'm way too empathetic. And I need to learn to not allow them to consume my life. I did take a lot away from the retreat. I definately missed my babies. And John. And I needed/missed Loki A TON. He calms and grounds me. Im so glad to be home with my family. Im struggling a bit and a little low. I miss my girls. Im glad some live in Utah but others don't. Im going to miss the staff. They were incredible. But we can't contact them. Which sucks. Damn HIPPA and confidentiality. If you have any questions feel free to ask away.

Justice

I today saw a post about a dear friend who went on the news to talk about her rape and how it went to trial. But even though they had beyond enough reason to prove this asshat guilty they proved him not guilty. And since it happened till now it has always angered me. Now if I were to try and go to trial sure I don't have enough evidence. I do have one pretty big thing but I can't talk about it. I know it wouldn't hold in a trial especially since it's been 15 years and ones like hers aren't even making it. I'd LOVE justice to be served but I know that's something I'll never get.

And I want to put this out there. I did not say who my perp was in my first letter to get people to hate him, turn against him, etc. I did not do it to hurt him. I simply did it because A. that's my choice and B. I have every right in my journey and story to say as much or as little info as I want. I did not like it saying family member because I didn't want a certain person to be questioned. This is MY journey. This is MY story. From here on out I tell it how I want to and NO ONE will decide otherwise. If you do not like it feel free to leave and don't come back. I don't need negative people in my life. Every day is a daily battle to live with this horrible thing that has happened to me. Therapy is hard because I go back even a little and I trigger and spiral. I've bottled it for so long and pretended it did't happen that now it eats at me.

Dear survivor,

Dear survivor,
   That's what you are. Not a victim. A victim is usually believed to be dead. But you are here. And you are alive. And you somehow were able to make it out. Even though some days you may feel like you haven't made it out. I myself am a survivor. I've never once called myself a victim and I correct people when they call me that. I just don't like it. I feels weird. I am quoting this on Christmas eve 2015. Fifteen years exactly to day when I was raped. Its one of for times that I was raped by my brother when I was 12. The only "date" and one I  know when it happened was today. I won't go into detail because the point of this is to do the opposite of triggering people. I want to be able to help and let you know that it might be hard but you can live a normal life. I still face struggles and have flashbacks and days where I don't want to move. I get suicidal. I cry. Ive been hospitalized. But I also don't let my perp see those things so that he doesn't think he won. For 7 years I didn't speak a word to him. Until I had my first born. Then I slowly let him back into my life. It didn't take until earlier this year for me to finally tell my parents about all of the times and seek counseling and go to a group for people who have been raped. I also emailed my him calling him out and basically demanding an apology. Which he gave me in a phone call within 10 mins of the email being sent. It was good to hear an apology and some what of a reason as to why he did it. There's still no excuse for it but I'm at least able to start the process of forgiving. I know most survivors don't get that from the scum of the earth that hurt them and I personally know that doesn't help in the healing part. But you don't need it in order to move on. You can do this.  You are strong. This was NOT your fault. Your clothes didn't make him rape you. The way you were dancing or acting or the amount you drank dodnt make him rape you. If you said no and they did it anyways then it is not your fault. Don't keep silent. It may be scary to tell people. They may not believe you. They may turn against you. But they might also be there 100% and help you.  Those who don't believe rape survivors are just as bad as rapists. Your voice matters. Speak up. Get help. Write it out. Forgive when and if you can. Dont let  the scum control your life. Don't let them win. You've got this. You're not alone. You're NEVER alone. There's many more of us out here for you willing to help. All you have to do is ask.

Love,
   A survivor