I hate Christmas

From November 1st to December 26ish my life is a constant state of anxiety, when I'm not home. I get super excited all year for Halloween but dread for the night to be over because I know when i wake up Christmas trees and lights and decorations will have started to appear. And that for me is not a happy thing. Its not a joyous time of the year. Instead I am reminded of Christmas eve 18 years ago. I know a lot of you reading this have heard this before but I personally find it comforting to talk about it and I hope someone who needs to read it and can relate will find it and hopefully find comfort. I was 12 at the time and living in Florida with my spermdonor (father) My mom and (step)dad loved in utah with 3 of my siblings. I flew to utah and we drove to Nevada to spend Christmas with my grandparents. On Christmas eve my grandparents went to their room to sleep, my parents and 2 younger siblings went to a spare room to sleep and then my older brother and I slept on couches in the living room. Right by the Christmas tree that was lit up. Sometime in the middle of the night my brother woke me up and told me to quietly follow him to the bathroom. I did. He locked the door and proceeded to rape me. He told me if I ever told anyone he would tell them I'm lying and he'd kill me. Then it stayed a secret trapped deep inside my brain until a couple years ago. Where it came to me and haunted me ever since. To this day anything playboy, Christmas tree, Christmas lights, and certain sexual things trigger me like no tomorrow. I've been working on them and trying to lessen the struggle but anyone who has PTSD its not a snap of the fingers kind of deal. And I have soooooo much trauma from childhood that I need to work through that I get overwhelmed A LOT and if it gets too bad I shut down. I recently have been told I have dissociation and that has felt the most right when it has come to "diagnosis" from over the years. It explains a lot. So just know that I dont "hate" Christmas I just HATE the memories I have with it. The other 3 times he raped me weren't specific occasions so I really dont get triggered by certain things.

Brainwashed

I dont wanna give too many details because I have been in process of writing a book and hopefully one day can publish it. But I am currently feeling sad, disappointed, hurt, betrayed, heartbroken and in awe. In October it will be 16 years since I made the decision to move to utah and get away from my sperm donor (SD) aka my real dad. Or did I make the decision? It was mostly me but he had things to do with it. All my childhood life I was physically, emotionally and mentally abused by both SD and his wifey poo. It was in October after a major hurricane that I finally would be out of his physical control. I finally had physical bruses that I couldn't hide and a guidance counselor confronted me. And then the cops came to our home to talk to us. He said I could do counseling with SD or move with family. I picked family and was sent to utah to live with my mom and (step) dad. I didn't want to because Florida was home but it was for the best. It has been 12 years since I last saw my Florida siblings. And 10 years since I had a cop call SD and tell him to no longer contact me. I was done with the abuse and negative things he said to me. And that's the last time I spoke to him. Which means my siblings too. It wasn't an easy thing for me to decide. But I couldn't take it anymore. I have thought about Hope and Ryan every single day since then and have only ever wanted a relationship with them. Hope turned 19 yesterday. And I wish I could have called her and told her how much I love and miss her. And Ryan. I talked to him on Instagram last night but when he asked who I was and I told him I was his oldest sister he deleted me and told me he didn't have an oldest sister. That crushed me and ripped my heart out. They dont even know who I am?! So basically my SD has erased me from existence and has brainwashed them (he did it to me when i was little) to think i dont exist? All because I ended the abuse our father gave me. After I turned him in and got away. If I had stayed would I have even made it to 30? Or even 20? How long and how far would the abuse have gone on? And the abuse obviously still continues with SD putting a wall between me and my siblings. Acting like I never was there. I so badly just want to know them. Know what kind of kids they grew up to be. Know what they do in life. But I cant. I have to live in pain knowing they exist. Knowing he FINALLY got the kids he wanted. He hates my mom so much that he's willing to lose a child because I came from her. I so badly just wanna rip down his door and tell hope and Ryan who I am and what he's done. But I know that won't help anything and I know it wouldn't help me feel any better. Its disgusting how you can beat the shit out of your own blood and then erase them from your life once they've stood up to you. But I know in the end I'm a far better person than he ever will be because I stopped and ended the cycle of abuse dead in its tracks. I refuse to hurt my children. I've been told by a few therapists over the years that "you should be an alcoholic" "you should be a drug addict" "you should be an abuser", because of things I've endured from childhood. But I dont have it in me too be any of those. Instead I stick it out. Yes it would be so much easier (for me) to abuse alcohol and drugs and sex and people and get rid of the voices that try to cut me down daily. But ain't no body got time for that.

Next chapter

A chapter in my life is coming to a close and a new one starts. I'm very sad and have mixed feelings about it. Here goes nothing.
John and I started dating in Sept 2007 and married April 2008. We got pregnant on our honeymoon with Tristan. Then had blakely may of 2011. These two are our world and we'll always agree on that. We have also agreed that getting a divorce is best for us.
For years..... ..i'm takling clear back to living in Florida. I have always found women to be attractive and what I wanted up date and be with. But because of how and where I was raised it was a big no no to like a woman. So I brushed it off. Until last June. There's a few things they help me decide that being with a woman is what I want. I never in a million years would choose these feelings. To break apart my family. But ive pushed them aside far too long and gave decided jo more. John is still a best friend and will always be in my life. Especially because of kids. But we've both agreed that its time to go into a different chapter of life. The kids always have been and always will be #1 and taken care of first. We aren't doing a messy divorce because of them. Everything will be civil and as least stressful as possible for them.
We told them a couple days ago. We wanted to wait till school was out so it wouldn't affect them there. We've been hiding this from them and most of you for a couple months because of that. But this summer is going to be a rough one. Tristan started bawling the second divorce came from John's mouth. And blakely laughed. I actually didn't expect anything different. That's how both of them cope.
If there is any questions please feel free to ask. We love all our family and friends who have stuck by us during this time in our lives.