Brainwashed

I dont wanna give too many details because I have been in process of writing a book and hopefully one day can publish it. But I am currently feeling sad, disappointed, hurt, betrayed, heartbroken and in awe. In October it will be 16 years since I made the decision to move to utah and get away from my sperm donor (SD) aka my real dad. Or did I make the decision? It was mostly me but he had things to do with it. All my childhood life I was physically, emotionally and mentally abused by both SD and his wifey poo. It was in October after a major hurricane that I finally would be out of his physical control. I finally had physical bruses that I couldn't hide and a guidance counselor confronted me. And then the cops came to our home to talk to us. He said I could do counseling with SD or move with family. I picked family and was sent to utah to live with my mom and (step) dad. I didn't want to because Florida was home but it was for the best. It has been 12 years since I last saw my Florida siblings. And 10 years since I had a cop call SD and tell him to no longer contact me. I was done with the abuse and negative things he said to me. And that's the last time I spoke to him. Which means my siblings too. It wasn't an easy thing for me to decide. But I couldn't take it anymore. I have thought about Hope and Ryan every single day since then and have only ever wanted a relationship with them. Hope turned 19 yesterday. And I wish I could have called her and told her how much I love and miss her. And Ryan. I talked to him on Instagram last night but when he asked who I was and I told him I was his oldest sister he deleted me and told me he didn't have an oldest sister. That crushed me and ripped my heart out. They dont even know who I am?! So basically my SD has erased me from existence and has brainwashed them (he did it to me when i was little) to think i dont exist? All because I ended the abuse our father gave me. After I turned him in and got away. If I had stayed would I have even made it to 30? Or even 20? How long and how far would the abuse have gone on? And the abuse obviously still continues with SD putting a wall between me and my siblings. Acting like I never was there. I so badly just want to know them. Know what kind of kids they grew up to be. Know what they do in life. But I cant. I have to live in pain knowing they exist. Knowing he FINALLY got the kids he wanted. He hates my mom so much that he's willing to lose a child because I came from her. I so badly just wanna rip down his door and tell hope and Ryan who I am and what he's done. But I know that won't help anything and I know it wouldn't help me feel any better. Its disgusting how you can beat the shit out of your own blood and then erase them from your life once they've stood up to you. But I know in the end I'm a far better person than he ever will be because I stopped and ended the cycle of abuse dead in its tracks. I refuse to hurt my children. I've been told by a few therapists over the years that "you should be an alcoholic" "you should be a drug addict" "you should be an abuser", because of things I've endured from childhood. But I dont have it in me too be any of those. Instead I stick it out. Yes it would be so much easier (for me) to abuse alcohol and drugs and sex and people and get rid of the voices that try to cut me down daily. But ain't no body got time for that.